Up and coming Iranian nuclear scientist, Asta-Qui Yege, had mixed feelings over his recent job promotion. Asta-Qui develops nuclear weapons to facilitate his country’s desire to kill infidels. He moved up the org chart when his boss blew up [not in the viral sense]. His last four bosses actually. Iran’s parliament speaker Ali Larijani said that the four executions would not stop their “studies.” Asta-Qui was not available for comment [or lunch or dinner or walks in the park].
Asta-Qui did send word through untraceable channels [the pigeon supposedly took its own life and was then consumed] that Iran is a peace-loving nation, save for their desire to destroy Israel and settle accounts with Iraq and one of the Shah’s grandchildren who printed an offensive cartoon in a 1992 newsletter. He also threw his support, and that of nervous co-workers, behind Ron Paul’s presidential campaign.
Asta-Qui was surprised and quite pleased to hear that the intellectual underpinnings for the foreign policy of one of the United States presidential hopefuls was the non-Muslim Golden Rule. [Asta-Qui was initially confused and had inquired if gold played a role in all of Paul’s beliefs].
The Paul campaign was thrilled to sign up their first supporters with scientific backgrounds. Far from being embarrassed, the campaign is doubling-down on ‘sloganeering for dummies’ as legitimate policy prescriptions. Their new stance on how to eliminate waste, fraud and abuse is to urge all Americans to “waste not, want not.”
For Americans living outside of Area 51, there are important questions to be addressed prior to the implementation of Paul’s Golden Rule. Who are the ‘others.’ Who gets to define the ‘others,’ the State Department or the White House? If the ‘others’ are not technically governments but operate with their implicit permission can acts of retaliation be grandfathered in? Will a listing of Muslim-based medieval crimes and their most appropriate Western equivalents be available to guide retaliations? Failing that, it could take forever to implement a chopping of a hand despite adequate documentation of the initial chop and a notarized OSHA waiver on file.
As for Asta-Qui Yege, the sky’s the limit. In chunks.