Retama de Guayacol = The underside of the barnacles which attach themselves to ships, I think. Whatever the precise meaning is, it ain’t a compliment.
How do the New York Jets do it? How do they retain the ability and disposition to choke despite significantly turning over their roster and coaching staff? That only happens when failure is deeply ingrained in an organization. Reverting to their DNA figuratively, and literally in the case of Jets cornerbacks who increasingly assumed the fetal position as they saw Jake Long and Lousaka Polite come around the corners last night.
Is there anything more enjoyable than watching professional New York sports teams fail? Not just fail, but fail in a gut-wrenching fashion. Fail in a way which should make their fans vomit as if they were Andy Dufresne having been made to double-back through the Maine penitentiary sewer system because he turned the wrong way early on. Fail in a hide the weapons — those kept at home, as opposed to the ones they take to nightclubs — kinda way. In the case of the New York Jets coach Rex Ryan, it would be a fail in a hide the Twinkies and adult magazines kinda way.
Last night’s Miami Dolphins victory over the scum-bag choking-dog of a franchise New York Jets was an absolute pleasure to watch. The only way it could have been more enjoyable was if Rex Ryan would have required the use of a defibrillator on the field after the final Ronnie Brown touchdown — as part of a non-life threatening medical event of course.
Heaven knows I would not want anything serious to happen to Ryan which would prevent him from coaching the Jets for a very long time. Ryan, a self-proclaimed defensive genius through the first 4 weeks of the season — after having been a genius defensive coordinator with a defense which featured UM greats, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed — was thoroughly out-coached. The Dolphins stuffed the ball so far down the throat of his defense that the laces on the ball likely lacerated at least one kidney on those Jets defenders who weren’t bailing to avoid the trucks named Brown and Williams running them over.
Ryan’s incompetence was not limited to the playing field. He began his post-game news conference by noting that his defense was an embarrassment which made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. [You would think the latest Ryan family loud-mouth NFL coach would be used to embarrassing performances in Miami on Monday nights.] He then rambled on for a few minutes and eventually wrapped up in that convoluted coach-speak one-generation-removed-from-Deliverance monologue about how ‘ya gotta give the other team credit and we gotta get ready for next week.’ To summarize:
- Initial reaction failed to credit other team – check
- Insulted player who just posted a 130 QB rating – check
- Ripped team unit he coaches – check
- Expressed bafflement over the performance of the unit he is responsible for – check
- Came to the realization – literally while answering a question — that he failed in the most elementary of coaching responsibilities — using time-outs to allow his team to have time to respond in case the Dolphins scored. Ryan actually said that his reason for not using time-outs was that ‘he just never thought the Dolphins would score.’
While the ultimate gift to any rival franchise is having Al Davis as an owner with enough money to purchase medicine that extends his working lifetime, Rex Ryan is the next best thing. Thank you New York Jets management.
Message to that NY Jets loving of a suck-up ESPN analyst, Jon Gruden, whose man-crush borderline homoerotic effusive praise of that team had me putting my kids and one elderly adult to bed early: At least Chucky had the good sense to shut up until the sequel. Gruden was so over the top in his adulation, it is rumored that MSNBC hosts called en masse to complain about excessive obsequiousness. One more thing Chucky, that stripe running down the uniform of Jets defensive back Darrelle Revis, was the mark left when Ted Ginn blew past the “league’s ultimate shut-down corner.” Would it really have killed you to note that Revis resembled Rick Volk trying to chase down Paul Warfield on that play?
Message #2: Yankee fans and Mariano Rivera, enjoy his last days of pain-free pitching.