Washington D.C. — January 20th 2009:

[AP-BHO Newswire] At his 2nd press conference, President-elect Obama today surprised many by issuing a threat against Disney Studios. He stated that unless they agreed to remake its most recent animated movie, Bolt, he would request a review of all existing contractual agreements with the entertainment conglomerate to determine improprieties, real or otherwise.

Bolt’s plot is based on the adventures of a white German Shepherd. President Obama stated that, given the Olympic record-setting performance of the Jamaican sprinter, Usain Bolt, he considered it ‘unacceptable’ for Disney to have released a movie bearing his name, while failing to capitalize on the natural tie-in promotions. While there were no explicit charges of racism, the implication was inescapable. Excerpts from the President’s comments:

It’s not just that — that — that the dog is uh, er, uh, white. The fact that uh, er, uh, breed is German, certainly poses, I think, an unnecessary uh, er, uh, challenge to our Jewish friends. I have contacted the New York Times, MSNBC and uh, er, uh, Ms Winfrey and ask that they take no immediate retribution, but everyone has their uh, er, uh, limits. I have also spoken with uh, er, uh, director Spike Lee, and he assured me that he stands ready to help in uh, er, uh, by whatever means necessary that the right thing uh, er, uh, be done, uh, here.

Disney sought to assure all that they meant no offense. The studio, whose animated projects are typically in development for years, assured the White House–or ‘Primera Casa’ as it is referred to by many of the President-elect’s staff to avoid the wrath of the First Lady in-waiting, who intensely dislikes what the use of the word ‘white’ may subliminally denote to some–that the only white character currently in development involved a polar bear.

Top White House officials suggested that the polar bear’s appearance could easily be altered by an oil spill, which would bring with it a bonus synergy of calling attention to the dangers of drilling for oil [i.e. alternative energies]. Disney was urged to focus on other similar potential upsides to Obama’s Bolt-vision, drawing parallels with Coca Cola’s initial missteps with Coke Classic.

Some cynics, probably racists, ridiculed the move as a ‘reverse bolt of lightening.’ Defending the president’s forays into what might be considered unusual areas, one top official noted, ‘Ancient Jews did not reject manna from heaven just because they did not understand from whence it came. We urge small-minded Americans not to try his patience.’