Sample citation and shameless appeal exhibits – names redacted to protect the inconsiderate:

Letter #1     ____________________
From: Jorge Costales
Sent: Friday, September 29, 2006
Subject: DSF Citation

Dear [redacted]:

We regret to inform you that you have been issued a Degenerate Sports Fan Citation.

By scheduling a party for your son during a University of Miami home football game you have shown a callous disregard for the well being of those whose life revolves around meaningless sporting events.

I doubt this would have occurred if the Canes had a winning record. Forgive me, normally I don’t point fingers, except for giant styrofoam ones. You are of course free to appeal this Citation directly to the [redacted] noting any extenuating circumstances – i.e. late schedule announcements (weak!). But given the performance of his team [St Louis Cardinals] recently, success appears as likely as an Islamic Jihadist Gay Day Parade.

See you Saturday. If you are a Satellite subscriber, please have an antenna enabled television available in case of inclement weather.

Jorge

Letter #2________________________________________
From: [redacted]
Subject: RE: DSF Citation

Dear Jorge:

I am very upset that I have been issued a Degenerate Sports Fan Violation for irresponsibly scheduling a party during a UM football game. If sustained, it will mean an end to my perfect record of never having received a DSFV – a feat I share with few.

It hasn’t been easy over the years. I, like any other degenerate sports fan, have always scheduled family events (baptisms, wedding, funerals) around any event that has a point spread. I am proud to say that until my son’s b-day party I have never put myself or my friends in a game day predicament- except missing the ’88 UM-UCLA game on my honeymoon (but I didn’t drag down anybody with me).

Although my wife pulled a fast one on me by the timing of this party, I was relieved to see that my friends were not affected by it. You, an experienced degenerate, ignored the invitation. [Redacted], also well seasoned, enjoyed the game but showed some weakness by attending the party after the game. [Redacted], on the other hand, had to work some magic. He could not avoid [redacted’s] wrath so he smoothly convinced her to drop off their daughter and head to a nice restaurant for a romantic dinner, Duffy’s next to a big screen (classic DSF 101).

Based on my record and the fact that no harm was done I ask that the citation be rescinded.

Letter #3________________________________________
From: Jorge Costales
Subject: RE: DSF Citation

Dear [redacted]:

First I admire the skill of your response – immediately I am on the defensive – please be advised that I most certainly did not ignore the invitation; like [redacted] my intentions were to come by after the game – except my youngest offspring fell asleep – apparently shuttling off to watch the 2nd half of the UM game after a pool party was too tiring for these next generation types. So I begin with an apology for the lack of even a drive-by appearance.

Your defense highlights why the Citation was such a difficult decision to begin with. Your seemingly flawless track record; your good-natured willingness to hear oh-so-slightly differing variations of the same Miami Senior High lore from myself or [redacted] in the most inappropriate of circumstances, volunteer coaching background and kids thoroughly empapado in sports.

I just didn’t see it coming, which is why it probably hurt so much. So while I want to rescind, what kind of a message does that send to the aforementioned kids?

A proposed solution – una escuelita – fortunately one is being offered the weekend of Nov 17th at Casa Manresa – only requirement is to wear a white rose polo shirt to Mass and harass your friends about non-sports related subjects.

Jorge

ps – I’m involved in planning another wedding for next summer – contingent parameters include, but are not limited to; MLB All-Star weekend, Tour de France, Zo’s Summer Grove, Heat Summer Camp & Disney blackout weekends. The one problem is with Marlin home dates which are released late, but I am in contact with MLB as we speak.