I am a political conservative and a baseball fan. Knowing that our ubiquitous President would be all over the All-Star game [first pitch and part of the Fox broadcast] was in effect a tax placed on my viewership, but one I would willingly pay to watch the Midsummer Classic.

The tax turned into a rebate. How to describe the pleasure in watching President Obama’s version of a first pitch. He exhibited the most feminine pitching motion ever displayed by a heterosexual. In comparison, his bowling skills would now equate to a Don Carter level of excellence. His pitching motion can only be described as pure Hyde Park, aka ‘Berkeley with snow.’ To be more precise, it was exactly how you would expect someone who never played baseball in his life and had recently suffered extensive ligament damage in both wrists to throw a baseball.

You can’t really blame him though. It was tough getting his Hyde Park neighbors to go to a game. His friend and literary consultant, Bill Ayers, was always terrified he’d run into a former bombing victim at the games. He’d stop asking Louis Farrakhan a while back, he couldn’t get a hot dog without hearing a speech from that guy.

But perhaps there are more innocent explanations for ‘The Toss.’ Maybe he misread his teleprompter, mixing up something to do with ‘bender’ and ‘gender’. He threw left-handed. Maybe he’s actually right-handed and was reaching out to the left-handed community, ensuring them that their blood runs through him as well. He empathizes like most people breathe, this guy.

My sources across the web have gathered the following unconfirmed reactions to ‘The Toss’:

• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Kim Jong-il and asked, ‘Kimmy, are you watching this? Brother, I say we move on those weak infidels TOMORROW!’
• David Cassidy, watching at home is said to have jumped off his Misty Pink Folding Bed and yelled, ‘I can take that bitch.’
• Jack McFarland, from Will and Grace, is said to have muttered at a sex-toy party, ‘Jeez, grow a pair why don’t you.’

A note about the classiest move of the All-Star game that went unnoticed on the Fox broadcast

Fittingly it came from the game’s MVP, Carl Crawford. In the top of the 5th inning, when he was on first, Ichiro hit a ground ball which Utley bobbled, but still tried to get the force out at 2B. Crawford purposely slid past the base to avoid hurting an exposed Hanley Ramirez, who was forced to wait for the throw while standing on 2B. Classy move by the deserved MVP. Note to Jimmy Rollins, watch your back [or knees].