Inauguration Journal – Day 8

Posted on January 9, 2009 by Jorge Costales

Anthony Atwood’s Inauguration Journal – Day 8

FRIDAY 09 – JAN09: Today we have Commander’s Call. This is a commonplace of military culture, wherein the Commanding Officer (CO) of a unit assembles all the personnel of all ranks, and goes over the big picture: where we are at, where we hope to go, and how we plan to get there. It is a bit like the Coach’s pep talk before the big game. We are encouraged to think, and challenged to do our best. At Commander’s Call gripes can be aired, and legitimate concerns voiced straight to the top of the chain. Our C.O. is an Army Colonel. In Navy culture the Commanding Officer is known as the “Skipper.” It is a term of respect. Civilian corporations and academia could profit from implementing such practices as Commander’s Call. Because they work.

In addition to the Commanding Officer also participating is a second member of the unit equally important in many respects: the Senior Enlisted Advisor. In our unit, he is an Air Force Senior Master Sergeant. Our Senior Enlisted Advisor is a mix of get’er-done cable guy, and father confessor; with a talent for making you laugh and want to keep going.

This is a unit of 80-some professionals drawn from all branches of the military, the majority reservists, who have devoted much of their lives to community involvement, writing and documentaries, communication and education. This group has excelled working with text and imagery and message, in war and in peace, at the service of this country. After the talk, our Skipper hosts a pizza party there in the basement. Pizza and warm Sprite: the American way of commencing an international event of the first magnitude.

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A Salute to Old Photographs and a Great American

Posted on January 9, 2009 by Jorge Costales

zdorsteA friend passed along an old photograph from a Civics class during our senior year, 1977, at the incomparable Miami Senior High [MHS]. I spy myself  [ouch], friends I remember and others, who sadly I do not. That leaves only the guy in the red coat, thick glasses and a perpetual [trust me] smile unaccounted for.

His name was George C. Dorste. My limited googling turned up only one reference, the fact that he served as a Lieutenant in the Army during WWII. I know he passed away in 2003, because a search of the Miami Herald’s obituaries confirmed the date. What’s more I remember seeing his obituary in the paper awhile back and setting it aside. Of course, I have no idea where it may be now. Over the years, I would spot a letter to the Editor from him in the Miami Herald every now and then.

Here’s what I remember about him in reverse order of importance.

  • He showed me great teacher-mercy. My inability to recite the steps in ‘how a bill becomes a law’ was correctly deduced by him to be attributable to the fact that I was pelted by crumpled papers, gum and one sock during the actual presentation.
  • He gave me my favorite grade in high school, A-3-F. The latter two marks denoted effort and conduct. Wait, correction, he didn’t give them to me, I earned them.
  • He loved his country.

While accurate, the last item I listed is an inadequate description for the positively joyous outpouring of pride, gratitude and heartfelt affection which Mr Dorste exhibited on a daily basis. He acted like someone who was exactly where he wanted to be, in a position to teach budding citizens how fortunate they were and what their responsibilities were for that good fortune. As a bonus, he taught us that a pretty girl was ‘hot tomato.’ He was one of those rare people who would be hard to describe without the use of the word nice.

When you look up the word civics, it speaks of the importance in the role of the citizen to government. Mr Dorste–possibly a 2nd generation American himself, like many of his MHS students–served in WWII, went to college on the GI bill, carved out a career as a public school teacher. Not coincidentally I would argue, he then found himself smack dab in the middle of teaching high school civics in a community enduring one of the greatest influxes of immigrants in American history.

George C. Dorste was a great citizen and a great example to his students. This is one belated thank you.

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Critical Treatment of Cuban Regime

Posted on January 9, 2009 by Jorge Costales

I apologize because these segments are in Spanish. But since I have so often been disgusted with the favorable treatment the Castro regime has received elsewhere, especially Spain, I feel a need to highlight the fact that a Madrid-based network, Telemadrid, has produced an unsparing news segment about the misery which is life under the Castro regime for the average person. See part 1 – 10 minutes and part 2 – 9 minutes.

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Inauguration Journal – Day 7

Posted on January 8, 2009 by Jorge Costales

Anthony Atwood’s Inauguration Journal – Day 7

THURSDAY 08 – JAN09: Late this cold afternoon, I have been dismissed and am trudging along a downtown city street to reach the metro subway station in order to take the tube back to Arlington. Of a sudden there are police sirens, and the deep-throated growl of motorcycles with sidecars. A motorcade of law enforcement takes over the street, and nested among the vehicles are a half-dozen recently-waxed shiny dark SUVs that pull up across the street. Bringing up the rear of the motorcade is a fire rescue paramedic truck. All this is trailed by a bus with passengers who look like what reporters must look like. Police on bicycles in riding helmets and athletic gear glide up to the curb, and we pedestrians stand by.

Like a country-person I know enough to keep my distance, and wonder numbly what this combination might be about. Well, who do you think? The Washingtonian passersby, folks way more cosmopolitan know: “Obama!” they shout in welcome, and before you know it, the president-elect has bounded from a vehicle and entered the building.

A polite pleased crowd gathers at a respectful distance, patiently blowing frost and smiling to each other. Myself, I finally reach the realization this is likely to be the most important photo I’ll ever get, if only my numb fingers can find my cell phone/camera. I root around through overcoat and book bag, find it, and wait. After what seems an eternity on the cold afternoon sidewalk, there is a sudden hint of activity. The president-elect emerges, bounds back into a vehicle, and they are off, gone as suddenly as they came. Thank goodness, I got a picture.

Without interpretation, someone looking at this picture will only see some blurry cars pulled up along a nondescript street with poor lighting and nothing recognizable to be seen. It is the best picture I’ve ever taken, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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Parenting and Safety

Posted on January 8, 2009 by Jorge Costales

There was a very scary incident recently involving a teenage boy in my community. He was alone waiting to be picked up during early evening hours and was approached by a male adult predator who attempted to get the boy in the car. The boy refused, ran away and hid until his parent arrived at the scheduled time.

The most common and understandable reaction to this is, ‘I’ll never leave my kids alone again.’ I disagree. I think it is a mistake to parent in such a way as to try and eliminate every possible danger, especially for teenage kids. I believe in reasonable, not total precautions.

The hidden dangers of being overprotected can never compare to being abducted, but they are occur often and have a price as well. Lack of confidence, lack of initiative, lack of street smarts etc.

Here’s an example of reasonable vs total precautions. For the sake of this example, we are talking about teenagers. Not leaving a child alone in a secluded or abandoned area is a reasonable precaution. Not leaving them alone in a normal residential area with people and traffic is a total precaution. When are teenage kids supposed to develop street smarts and coping skills? They can’t read a book to get those abilities and we can’t talk it into them. They will not magically get those powers when they turns 18, or do we plan to shelter them into their 20’s? The self-confidence has to be encouraged and nurtured in them during the teenage years. Should parenting be based on extremely rare and cataclysmic possibilities?

I believe that it is a disservice to totally shelter a teenage child, but not as much as abandoning one, obviously. From a parenting perspective, the intentions are polar opposites. But isn’t the goal to avoid harming the child, not sparing the parents feelings or guilt? To send a child unprepared to deal with things, especially dangerous things, into high school, college and adulthood is not doing them any favors.

In this incident, the boy stood up to the predator by refusing to get in the car and then running away. I worry that the type of kids who have been excessively sheltered may not have it in them to refuse in the first place. I would be devastated if something like that ever happened to any child I know. But my goal as a parent is to see that they, like the boy in the incident, they have the wherewithal to refuse and run away, not that they never possibly find himself themselves in danger.

The fear of course with saying something like that out loud, let alone writing it down, is that the unthinkable would actually happen to a child in that person’s life. At which point, the possible sheltering concerns I mentioned, likely become secondary and we would trade all other possible ill effects from ‘totally protective’ parenting for an unharmed child. But is that the right time or the right way to think about this? Because if it is, then we have to talk about why we have cars and pools, or why we allow kids in either?

Should we talk, write and parent so as to not be culpable in any way possible should evil, or just plain misfortune, come into the lives of our kids? I don’t believe that’s what my Catholic faith teaches. Our faith teaches us to not be afraid. It is very difficult to practice that with all the possible dangers which surround our kids and us. But when it comes to our kids, when and how do we show them, how and why we are unafraid?

I know there are dissenting views on this, I welcome your comments.

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How Your Dog Can Deliver the Paper and the News

Posted on January 8, 2009 by Jorge Costales

In a stunning technological breakthrough, the Washington Post yesterday unveiled its revolutionary malleable ink yesterday. With just a smidgen of K-9 urine spread evenly across a headline, the text in the article–but not the headline–is magically transformed. For example, a politically sophomoric article by William Booth about Cuba was transformed into an honest reflection of life inside the world’s largest prison. See before and the highlighted after.

All along Neptune Street, a chaotic, dusty, crowded avenue that runs through the heart of central Havana, people in ration-card shops, state-run cafeterias and crumbling hallways spoke relatively openly about their desire to see the new U.S. president do something — almost anything — to help end the official hostilities between the two countries.

All along Neptune Street, a chaotic, dusty, crowded avenue that runs through the heart of central Havana, people spoke with typical fear and loathing to us–in effect a State approved journalist–that 50 year’s of dictators and neighborhoods with government sponsored snitches would naturally engender. They desire to see the new U.S. president do something–almost anything–to end the lives of the numerous government officials who have ruined their country.

Alejandro Rodríguez, who repairs toasters for a living, just wants to visit his relatives in Miami. “This is a problem between governments, not between people,” he said. “Yet we suffer.” He was turned down for a visa.

Alejandro Rodríguez, who used to repair toasters for a living [when there was bread], just wants to visit his relatives in Miami, permanently. Alejandro was nursing a sprained ankle he suffered trying to jump onto a departing freighter recently. “This is a problem between governments, not between people,” he said. “The US government should make the Cuban government first suffer, then disappear.” He was turned down for an additional ration card recently.

Raymundo Quirino, a sculptor, would not mind seeing a few cruise ships from the United States dock in Havana’s harbor. “Good for business,” he said. “And for the exchange of ideas, thoughts, dreams.”

Raymundo Quirino, a sculptor, would not mind seeing a few cruise ships from the United States dock in Havana’s harbor. “I won’t miss like Alejandro,” he said. “He’s a postalita. I will gladly exchange any of my black-market ration cards for free ideas, thoughts and dreams. But not with a cherna like Alejandro.”

Alejandro, standing nearby, responded, “Sculptor? My ass, he was a delinquent graffiti artist who the government legitimized because he was able to get paint on the black market. The only time he ever attempted to sculpt, he got his ass kicked for wasting perfectly good cement.” Alejandro and Raymundo are cousins who have lived together since they were 2 due to the shortage of housing endemic to Cuban cities.

Yvonne Portuondo, a hairdresser, would like to see an end to the decades-long trade embargo, which restricts imports of food and medicine and forbids most Americans from traveling to Cuba. “The embargo should have nothing to do with letting people see their families,” she said.

Yvonne Portuondo, a hairdresser, would like to see an end to the decades-long trade embargo, which restricts imports of food and medicine and forbids most Americans from traveling to Cuba. “If the embargo was ended, I’m assuming this disaster of a government would have perished as well. Then we can all finally see our families without these moral rectometers all in our business. Miserable people make for bad hair,” she said.

“Yet we suffer”

Do you believe that there is an Alejandro Rodríguez–who repairs toasters for a living–that when given an opportunity to opine on life in Cuba, actually utters the phrase, “Yet we suffer,” in a believable manner. I don’t and I can’t imagine a foreign journalist good enough to work for the Washington Post does either. So how does that quote make it into a major newspaper? Who seriously doubts that my made up quotes aren’t closer to the truth than the pablum which actually ran in the Washington Post.

Just another day on the Cuba dilettantes watch.

Only the politically sophomoric article referenced is copied in full at end of post. You’se web free-loaders gotta pay to play with the new technology. Piece out!

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In Cuba, Pinning Hopes on Obama–Many Islanders Expect Better Relationship With U.S. Under New President

By William Booth

Washington Post Foreign Service – Wednesday, January 7, 2009; A08

HAVANA — Vicente González says that although Barack Obama is no Karl Marx — “he is a capitalist and likely an imperialist” — he has high hopes that the new president could begin to warm the relationship between Cuba and the United States, which remains frozen in a Cold War time warp. “It is time,” the Havana barber said, perhaps unwittingly repeating the Obama slogan, “for a change.”

The world has numerous expectations of the incoming president, but many Cubans, who live on state salaries that average $20 a month, seem to possess an outsized hope that Obama will somehow transform their lives.

All along Neptune Street, a chaotic, dusty, crowded avenue that runs through the heart of central Havana, people in ration-card shops, state-run cafeterias and crumbling hallways spoke relatively openly about their desire to see the new U.S. president do something — almost anything — to help end the official hostilities between the two countries.

Alejandro Rodríguez, who repairs toasters for a living, just wants to visit his relatives in Miami. “This is a problem between governments, not between people,” he said. “Yet we suffer.” He was turned down for a visa.

Raymundo Quirino, a sculptor, would not mind seeing a few cruise ships from the United States dock in Havana’s harbor. “Good for business,” he said. “And for the exchange of ideas, thoughts, dreams.”

Yvonne Portuondo, a hairdresser, would like to see an end to the decades-long trade embargo, which restricts imports of food and medicine and forbids most Americans from traveling to Cuba. “The embargo should have nothing to do with letting people see their families,” she said.

Perhaps sensing that unmet expectations might lead to popular frustration, or even anger, Cuban President Raúl Castro on Friday sought to pour some cold water on the prospect of big changes in the relationship between the Communist-run island and the country 90 miles to the north.

“There is now a president who has raised hopes in many parts of the world,” said Castro, who assumed the presidency when his ailing older brother Fidel resigned in February and has made a few small changes, such as allowing Cubans to own cellphones and stay at tourist hotels. “I think they are excessive hopes because, though he may be an honest man, and I think he is, and a sincere man, and I think he is, one man cannot change the destiny of a nation, much less the United States.”

“Hopefully I’m wrong about that and Mr. Obama has success,” Raúl Castro said, speaking on state television last week, the day after he celebrated the 50th anniversary of the Cuban revolution and warned his country to resist the “siren’s song of the enemy,” meaning the United States. He reiterated a willingness to meet Obama but was not effusive or concrete. “Gesture for gesture, we are ready to do it whenever it may be, whenever they may decide, without intermediaries, directly,” Castro said. “But we are in no rush, we are not desperate.”

During his campaign, Obama promised to quickly and unilaterally take two steps: to allow Cuban Americans to travel as often as they like to visit relatives in Cuba and to allow them to send family as much money as they want.

Currently, under a policy initiated by the Bush administration to further squeeze the Cuban government, Cuban Americans are permitted to visit the island only once every three years to see immediate family and to send only up to $300 in cash remittances every three months.

Gift packages are restricted to food, medicine, radios and batteries. Americans without family in Cuba are generally forbidden to visit the island. The Bush administration also tightened the screw on visits by academics, students and religious groups.

Naturally, there are ways around the restrictions. U.S. visitors often fly through Mexico or another country and ask Cuban immigration officials not to stamp their passports. Also, Cuban Americans visiting the island often bring in envelopes stuffed with cash. One Cuban American businessman from Miami, staying at a hotel in the Miramar neighborhood, said last week that he had brought in $25,000 to pass out to relatives and friends. “I’m Santa Claus,” he said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

The Castro government has long pointed to the U.S. embargo as a main cause of Cuba’s economic struggles. But many Cuba experts in the United States suggest that the Castro government uses the embargo as an excuse for failures of the socialist-run economy. Legally, for example, U.S. farmers shipped more than $430 million in food to Cuba in 2007, despite the embargo, making the United States the largest supplier of food to Cuba. And many modern products desired by Cubans — cellphones, sneakers, MP3 players, cars — are not made in the United States but in nations such as China, which has a friendly relationship with Cuba and has extended it an $800 million line of credit. The Cuban government also severely restricts travel by its citizens — for fear that they may not return.

All of this is understood by the residents on Neptune Street. Many said they understood that Cuba was probably far down on Obama’s list of priorities. They cited the world financial crisis and the war in Iraq as more pressing problems. Still, they clung to the hope that Obama might help open up their lives a bit.

“If he does everything he promised, I’m in favor of him,” said Enriqueta Martinez, a cafeteria worker at a state-run company on Neptune Street. Co-worker Digna Curbera said, “We all know nothing will happen in a day. These things take time. But he could make the world a better place.”

Along the street, people said they were impressed — and many said they were surprised — that the United States elected a person of mixed race as president. About 60 to 70 percent of Cubans are thought to be black or of mixed race.

“In Cuba, we are a big mix, so it is no big deal for us. But for the United States? I think it is very important. I think the Americans voted for him not because of the color of his skin but for his ideas and his character,” said Portuondo, the hairdresser. “That was impressive for us. We talk about it.”

The residents of Neptune Street did not openly criticize their government, not on the record to a reporter from Washington, though several offered biting criticism of the state, as many Cubans will do, quietly. About half of the people approached for interviews declined to give their names.

“People say it is going to be better. But we don’t know that, do we? There’s an anti-Cuba mafia in Miami, who control the whole thing, so maybe he can’t make many changes,” said Yodelkis Gutiérrez, speaking of the Cuban exile community in South Florida, which has dominated policy toward the Castro government for 50 years. Gutiérrez described himself as “just like everybody, a worker.” He said, “Most of the time, presidents make a lot of promises. We’ll see. We’re all told what our governments want us to hear, you know what I mean?”

Lázaro Rodríguez, a history teacher, said he understood Americans were wary of Cubans, too. “We’re a socialist country, a communist country,” he said. “But we’re trying to adapt ourselves, too, to the new realities, the global economy. We don’t want to change our system but to perfect it. And why not have better relations with the United States. It’s time.”

At a summit of Latin American and Caribbean leaders in Brazil last month, Castro offered to meet with Obama. In November, he told actor Sean Penn during an interview for the Nation magazine that he would be willing to meet Obama on “neutral ground” and suggested the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, saying that Obama could return the land to Cuba and that he would give Obama the American flag to take home.
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Inauguration Journal – Day 6

Posted on January 7, 2009 by Jorge Costales

Anthony Atwood’s Inauguration Journal – Day 6

WEDNESDAY 07 – JAN09: After work I go walking around Arlington looking for the barbershop. The neighborhood is in transition. It is a mix of gleaming modernity, like the George Mason law school, and old vernacular bungalows with front stoops and character. Right next door to our lodgings is an old single-family stand-alone house that has been converted into the local American Legion Hall. I stop in to say hello.

It is the Billy Mitchell Chapter, named in honor of that pioneer American army aviator. His portrait in uniform is on the wall. A game of darts is underway. Football is on in one corner television, the evening news on the other. They are happy to see me, and give me more directions to the barbershop than I will ever need. They are keen on watching the DC inauguration news, and as I’ve observed elsewhere, there is a hopeful atmosphere of renewal. I am advised the Chapter grills steaks every Sunday, that they are the best around, and invited to return.

Read more about Billy Mitchell by clicking on read more.

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Billy Mitchell

Billy Mitchell is the most famous and controversial figure in American airpower history. The son of a wealthy Wisconsin senator, he enlisted as a private during the SpanishAmerican War. Quickly gaining a commission due to the intervention of his father, he joined the Signal Corps. He was an outstanding junior officer, displaying a rare degree of initiative, courage, and leadership. After challenging tours in the Philippines and Alaska, Mitchell was assigned to the General Staff-at the time its youngest member. He slowly became excited about aviation-which was then assigned to the Signal Corps-and its possibilities, and in 1916 at age 38, he took private flying lessons.

Arriving in France in April 1917, only a few days after the United States had entered the war, Lieutenant Colonel Mitchell met extensively with British and French air leaders and studied their operations. He quickly took charge and began preparations for the American air units that were to follow. The story of American aviation mobilization in World War I was not a glorious one. It took months before pilots arrived in France and even longer for any aircraft. Nonetheless, Mitchell rapidly earned a reputation as a daring, flamboyant, and tireless leader. He eventually was elevated to the rank of brigadier general and commanded all American combat units in France. In September 1918 he planned and led nearly 1,500 allied aircraft in the air phase of the SaintMihiel offensive. Recognized as the top American combat airman of the war (he was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross, the Distinguished Service Medal, and several foreign decorations), Mitchell, nevertheless, managed to alienate most of his superiors-both flying and nonflying-during his 18 months in France.

Returning to the US in early 1919, Mitchell was appointed the deputy chief of the Air Service, retaining his onestar rank. His relations with superiors continued to sour as he began to attack both the War and Navy Departments for being insufficiently farsighted regarding airpower. His fight with the Navy climaxed with the dramatic bombing tests of 1921 and 1923 that sank several battleships, proving-at least to Mitchell-that surface fleets were obsolete. Within the Army he also experienced difficulties, notably with his superiors Charles Menoher and later Mason Patrick, and in early 1925 he reverted to his permanent rank of colonel and was transferred to Texas. Although such demotions were not an unusual occurrence at the time-Patrick himself had gone from major general to colonel upon returning to the Corps of Engineers in 1919-the move was nonetheless widely seen as punishment and exile. Not content to remain quiet, when the Navy dirigible “Shenandoah” crashed in a storm and killed 14 of the crew, Mitchell issued his famous statement accusing senior leaders in the Army and Navy of incompetence and “almost treasonable administration of the national defense.” He was courtmartialed, found guilty of insubordination, and suspended from active duty for five years without pay. Mitchell elected to resign instead as of 1 February 1926 and spent the next decade continuing to write and preach the gospel of airpower to all who would listen. The election of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a Navy man, was viewed by Mitchell as advantageous for airpower. In fact, he believed the new president would appoint him as assistant secretary of war for air or perhaps even secretary of defense in a new and unified military organization. Such hopes never materialized. Mitchell died of a variety of ailments including a bad heart and influenza in 1936.

There are several biographies of Mitchell, and the most balanced and useful treatment of this important airman is unquestionably Alfred F. Hurley’s, Billy Mitchell: Crusader for Air Power, revised ed. (Bloomington, Ind.: Indiana University Press, 1975). Hurley deals sparingly with the general’s early career and personal life, concentrating instead on his war experiences, the postwar years, and his theories of airpower employment. Mitchell was the first prominent American to espouse publicly a vision of strategic airpower that would dominate future war. He believed that aircraft were inherently offensive and were strategic weapons that revolutionized war by allowing a direct attack on the “vital centers” of an enemy country. These vital centers were the mighty industrial areas that produced the vast amount of armaments and equipment so necessary in modern war. He did not see this as either illegal or immoral. In fact, given the trench carnage of the First World War that slaughtered millions, he argued that airpower provided a quicker and more humane method of waging war. To carry out effectively this mission of strategic attack, he argued that it was necessary to separate aviation from the Army and Navy because they were too traditional and surfaceoriented. Mitchell’s persistent jibes at the Navy were especially nasty, and Hurley argues they not only fostered bitter interservice rivalry but also spurred the Navy to greater efforts in developing carrierbased aviation-the precise opposite of what Mitchell intended. Nonetheless, Hurley concludes these shortcomings were more than balanced by a vision and foresight regarding the future of war, later proved substantially correct, that sustained the fledgling air force during its early and difficult years.

There are several other published accounts of Mitchell’s life; most are hagiographies written during or soon after World War II that depict him as a prophet without honor and as a martyr for airpower. Surprisingly, few even discuss his airpower theories and concentrate instead on the sensational aspects of his career. Of this genre, the best is Isaac Don Levine’s, Mitchell: Pioneer of Air Power (New York: Duell, Sloan, and Pearce, 1943; revised in 1958 but without significant new material). Levine reveals Mitchell’s personal life, including his early years as a junior officer, basing his story largely on letters and interviews. Although no footnotes or bibliography are included, Levine obviously did a great deal of research. Unfortunately, besides employing an overly breathless prose, the book suffers from a strong bias: Mitchell is glorified and his very real character flaws are ignored. Mitchell was vain, petulant, racist, overbearing, and egotistical. Although his aggressive advocacy of airpower was entertaining and won much publicity, it is questionable if his antics actually swayed public opinion or that of Congress. Indeed, it could even be argued that his incessant and vicious attacks on the Navy did more harm than good and induced an animosity between sailors and airmen that has never really abated.

Three biographies that are, frankly, of little value are Emile Gauvreau and Lester Cohen, Billy Mitchell: Founder of Our Air Force and Prophet without Honor (New York: E. P. Dutton and Company, Inc., 1942); Roger Burlingame, General Billy Mitchell: Champion of Air Defense (New York: McGrawHill, 1952); and Ruth Mitchell, My Brother Bill: The Life of General “Billy” Mitchell (New York: Harcourt, Brace, and Jovanovich, 1953). This last does, however, quote heavily from Mitchell’s unpublished manuscript describing his tour in Alaska from 1901 to 1903. This littleknown story of the Signal Corps’s efforts to string a telegraph line across the territory is quite interesting. Another work that is a cut above those just mentioned is Burke Davis, The Billy Mitchell Affair (New York: Random House, 1967). This treatment is unique in that it covers in some detail Mitchell’s famous report of his visit to Hawaii in 1924 in which he predicted a future war with Japan that opened with a carrierbased air attack on Pearl Harbor. In addition, Davis had access to the transcript of Mitchell’s courtmartial. His coverage of that event is fairly extensive, and although his treatment is evenhanded, it tends to put the airman in a favorable light and as a victim of Army conservatism.

A doctoral dissertation that takes a different view of the court proceedings is Michael L. Grumelli, “Trial of Faith: The Dissent and CourtMartial of Billy Mitchell” (Rutgers University, 1991). This is an interesting and detailed account of Mitchell’s 1925 trial for insubordination that argues the general was convicted not only because he was guilty as charged but also because his defense lawyer was woefully inept. Bungled crossexaminations and a clever prosecutor produced testimony from expert witnesses that revealed virtually all of Mitchell’s charges of military incompetence and negligence to be unfounded. Grumelli concludes that Mitchell’s decision to provoke a public courtmartial was a serious miscalculation that quickly revealed his “tremendous arrogance, extreme selfrighteousness, gross exaggerations and blatant inaccuracies.” He further concludes that Mitchell, who was surprised at his conviction, spent the rest of his life vainly seeking vindication, but instead found himself fading quickly into obscurity, devoid of either influence or importance. His rejection by Roosevelt for a senior post in the administration was the last straw.

Raymond R. Flugel’s PhD dissertation, “United States Air Power Doctrine: A Study of the Influence of William Mitchell and Giulio Douhet at the Air Corps Tactical School, 1921-35” (University of Oklahoma, 1965) argues that there was a direct link between the two air theorists. Flugel even argues that Mitchell’s writings owed a heavy debt to Douhet, a debt never acknowledged. He bases this charge on the discovery of a partial translation of “Command of the Air” (published in Italian in 1921) in the Air Service archives that was dated 1922. This was at least a decade prior to the translation of a French edition done for the Air Corps by Dorothy Benedict and George Kenney. Unfortunately, this discovery, which is indeed an important one, is totally wasted by the author’s flawed methodology. Flugel attempts to show plagiarism by a textual analysis of “Command of the Air,” Mitchell’s writings of the mid1920s, and the textbooks of the same era. He actually reproduces several paragraphs, underlining similar words and phrases to show their similarity. However, instead of using the newly discovered 1922 translation-which presumably would have been available to Mitchell-Flugel instead relies on the Dino Ferrari translation of 1942! Because the two versions have significant differences, Flugel’s charges remain unproven.

Published over two decades after his death are Mitchell’s Memoirs of World War I: From Start to Finish of Our Greatest War (New York: Random House, 1960; parts of the diaries were serialized in Liberty magazine in 1928). This is a compilation of his experiences in France from April 1917 to the armistice based on the diaries he kept at the time (now lost). As with any such work, it is not clear how many of the opinions and predictions presented here were of later device. Not surprisingly, Mitchell comes across looking quite prescient as to the unfolding of the war. There are, however, some notable aspects to this book. The distaste and low regard Mitchell held for Benjamin Foulois, his nominal superior, is apparent. It is a pity that two of the most senior and most important American airmen, who should have been close allies in their advocacy of airpower, were bitter enemies. Also apparent is Mitchell’s remarkable curiosity about all things regarding air warfare. This book is replete with descriptions of myriad and diverse details such as what time weather reports arrive at a fighter squadron and in what format, the construction of the shock absorbers on a captured German aircraft, and the type of parachutes used by balloon observers. One other revealing aspect of this memoir is Mitchell’s already emerging disdain for “nonflying officers” in Washington who “know nothing about airpower,” yet try to direct its course. According to this book, Mitchell returned to the United States in 1919 already convinced of the need for a separate service liberated from the control of narrowminded surface officers.

Another of Mitchell’s own works that should be noted is his General Greely: The Story of a Great American (NY: Putnam’s, 1935). Adolphus W. Greely was one of the more interesting characters of his era. He fought in the Civil War, strung telegraph wire across the southwest United States, and was an internationally known Arctic explorer. In 1887 he was promoted to brigadier general and named Chief Signal Officer of the US Army, a post he held until his retirement in 1906. During those two decades he modernized the Signal Corps dramatically, but perhaps most significantly by pushing for a rejuvenation of the Balloon Corps and by encouraging experimentation in heavier-than-air flight. Although he had retired before the Wright Brother’s had sold their first airplane to the Army’s Signal Corps, Mitchell credits him for creating an atmosphere of innovation that made such a contract possible. Of importance, Mitchell uses this biography as a vehicle for recounting some of his own experiences as a junior officer in Greely’s Signal Corps. As a result, Mitchell gives us some insights into his activities during the Spanish-American War, his tour in the Philippines during the insurrection there, and of his rugged adventures in Alaska. Mitchell wrote this biography in 1935, the year Greely died; it came out in print the following year, soon after Mitchell’s own death.

Disclaimer

The conclusions and opinions expressed in this document are those of the author cultivated in the freedom of expression, academic environment of Air University. They do not reflect the official position of the US Government, Department of Defense, the United States Air Force or the Air University.
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Carlos Montaner’s Advice to Obama re Cuba Policy

Posted on January 7, 2009 by Jorge Costales

The always thoughtful Carlos Alberto Montaner gives his analysis of Obama’s options regarding Cuba. To summarize his views:

Cuba seeks:

  • Obtain access to US credit markets.
  • Obtain access to American tourists dollars.
  • Release of Cuban spies.

The most reasonable scenario from the US perspective:

  • The death of Fidel Castro is the starting point for change. Any gestures while Castro is alive would probably be counter-productive.
  • Castro’s death should trigger the much awaited CONCESSIONS.
  • Avoid negotiating governmental structural changes with the regime. Too reminiscent of past ‘our-SOB’ strategy.
  • Gradually reduce economic sanctions in exchange for movement on political prisoners or dissidents.
  • Elevate diplomatic status to a US Embassy.
  • Sports and cultural exchanges.

Aside from indulging in the columnist version of a booty call, noting that ‘10 US presidents have bashed their heads,’ I hope everyone notices that the top 2 items which he believes that Cuba desires are what is denied them because of the embargo. Why people believe otherwise amazes me. Finally, re the sports and cultural exchanges: Alvarez Guedes si, ping-pong no.

Articles referenced is copied in full at end of post.

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Raúl wants to chat

Miami Herald posted on Tue, Jan. 06, 2009

BY CARLOS ALBERTO MONTANER

Shortly before his profoundly anti-American speech of Jan. 1, Raúl Castro, at the time in Brazil, insisted publicly on his desire to talk with President-elect Barack Obama. What is his intention?

He has three objectives up his sleeve: to gain access to soft credit so that he can import American goods despite his government’s well-earned reputation for insolvency; to attract hundreds of thousands of American tourists; and to gain the release of five of the 14 Cuban spies captured in 1999 by the FBI. (Nine of them admitted their guilt, made deals with the judges and prosecutors, were given very light sentences and have already been discreetly reintegrated into society in the United States.)

Once he attains the first two objectives, Raúl Castro would practically liquidate what remains of the embargo. With the third, he would please Fidel Castro, who is determined not to die until his ”hardest” agents return to Cuba. Naturally, despite the general clamor that demands deep political changes, neither Fidel nor Raúl would even think about opening the margins of participation in Cuban society. They intend to maintain a communist state with a single party and a total absence of freedoms.

Fidel’s firm grip

Obama should harbor no illusions regarding Cuba. Ten U.S. presidents before him have bashed heads with the regime of the Castro brothers. However, it is probable that, during Obama’s first four-year term, things will begin to change inside the island. The starting point for those changes could be the death of Fidel Castro, who has been slowly expiring since the summer of 2006. While it is known that most of those in the structure of power would like a profound reform, the old comandante, a stubborn Stalinist, prevents it.

This observation is important: While Fidel Castro is alive, any significant concession the Obama administration may make to Havana will be counterproductive. It will be interpreted as, ”Fidel Castro is right, and we don’t need to make any substantial change in our totalitarian model.” However, the moment Fidel disappears, Washington must make a goodwill gesture, even to Raúl Castro, as a sign of encouragement to the reformist forces, with the explicit message that the United States is willing to generously help Cubans transform the country into a peaceful and reasonably prosperous democracy.

For Obama’s government, that must be the objective: Cuba’s peaceful change into a stable democracy with freedoms and respect for human rights, a democracy with a productive apparatus that allows Cubans to live in their homeland without having to emigrate illegally to the United States. A nation similar to Costa Rica, with good relations with its neighbors and the United States; a nation that, far from expelling its people for lack of opportunities, is able to absorb the thousands of exiles who would return to Cuba if living conditions were acceptable there.

Washington discredited

The achievement of that objective leads one to discard any temptation to negotiate in Cuba with a tyranny like the one in China or Vietnam, with a kleptocracy like the one in Russia or with a military dictatorship. That only postpones the problem, it does not solve it. For almost all of the 20th century, the United States played the ”our-SOB” card, and the results were dreadful. Washington became totally discredited because it preached democracy and protected the dictatorships. After Somoza came the Sandinistas. After Batista, communism came to Cuba. It makes no sense to revive that strategy in the post-Castro era.

What can Obama do to stimulate changes in Cuba? He can adopt several measures: to gradually reduce the economic sanctions if the dictatorship releases political prisoners or relieves its pressure on the dissidents; elevate the rank of the United States’ diplomatic representation to the category of embassy; facilitate sports and academic exchanges.

But before any initiative is taken in Washington, a key question must be asked: Will that step lead Cubans toward democracy and an economic opening, or will it help consolidate in power an authoritarian oligarchy that abusively divvies up the nation’s revenues? That’s the litmus test. If the result is the latter, there’s no sense even in trying.
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Funniest writing — Bill Simmons

Posted on January 7, 2009 by Jorge Costales

The consistently funniest writing I come across comes from ESPN’s Sports Guy [SG], Bill Simmons. The surprise is that some of the best lines come from his readers in his mailbag forum. A sampling:

Q: I had a stunning realization when I awoke this morning: Isn’t Greg Oden the real Benjamin Button? I mean the injuries, the 45-year-old face, the creaky knees and geriatric hobble? This means for us Blazers fans things will only get better as he gets “younger.” Phew.
— Phil Taylor, Brooklyn, N.Y.

SG: I have nothing to add other than I hated this movie and it should have been called “Benjamin Snooze Button.” If you’re picking a holiday movie, go see “The Reader” (quality flick and you get to see Kate Winslet naked, repeatedly).
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Q: When I found out Al Davis’ mother lived until she was 103, I thought about impaling myself with a dull garden tool about 103 times. I’ll be 67 by the time the Raiders are respectable again. Can you please offer me some hope?
— Scott, Holiday, Fla.

SG: (Shaking my head sadly.)
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Q: I don’t care what the SEC says: The J-Kidd transaction was Cuban’s greatest trading transgression of 2008.
— Marchy, Malibu, Calif.

SG: (Applauding.)
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Q: Is the real reason that CC finally signed with the Yankees because somebody finally told him that pinstripes are slimming?
— Greg, Las Vegas

SG: Uh-oh, it looks like we’ve entered the part of the mailbag where I run a bunch of mean-spirited e-mails about the CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signings. Hold on, we’re about to experience some column turbulence! Please keep your seat belts fastened!
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Simmons on Vlad Guerrero: He walks like Greg Oden doing an impersonation of Fred Sanford pretending he’s Lieutenant Dan.
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Finally, Simmons on Mike Dunleavy and the LA Clippers: I want one of my readers to strike it rich, purchase an NBA team and name me as general manager. Stranger things have happened. I mean, Mike Dunleavy continues to be the only coach-GM in the league. If the Clippers were a movie character, they’d be the mustachioed guy who bailed on De Niro’s crew in “Heat,” then gets found by De Niro lying on the ground after being beaten within an inch of his life. You know how Mustache Guy’s life ended? He kept whispering, “please, please” to De Niro through battered lips, begging his friend to shoot him and put him out of his misery. And De Niro did. That’s the Clippers right now. I think I have a chance.

Entire mailbag copied in full at end of post.

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Sublime meets ridiculous in holiday mailbag
ESPN.com: Page 2 – Friday, December 26, 2008

By Bill Simmons

Why are you getting a holiday mailbag? Maybe I needed something to distract me from the terrifying realization that the Patriots’ 2008 season rests in the hands of Brett Favre. Maybe I needed to make myself feel better after the Red Sox blew the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes. Maybe I needed a boost after the Celtics’ 19-game winning streak came to a screeching halt on Christmas Day, thanks to Kobe Bryant and a gritty 15-man Lakers team (I’m including the refs). Or maybe I just wanted to throw a solid to Andrew in Seattle. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Q: Worst day ever. I wet the bed. I found out my girlfriend of three years is moving to Arizona. I continue to exist as a Seattle sports fan. And, yes, I really wet the bed. Can you give me a holiday mailbag? Like you, I don’t ask for much.
— Andrew, Seattle

SG: You know what I’m giving you, Andrew? The biggest and weirdest mailbag ever. That’s my gift to you and the people of Seattle during an especially grim holiday season.

(What? You don’t believe it’s especially grim?)

Q: I’m 23 years old. I live in Seattle. I have a girlfriend who loves those damn “Twilight” books and promised sex if I agreed to watch the movie with her Friday night. We ended up waiting in line for 45 minutes and the theater was filled with high school females. There were maybe five guys there total, and I was the only one with a girl, so read between the lines there. Once we got home she was too tired to do anything and went to sleep. The next day my alma mater, the University of Washington, loses a double-overtime thriller to Washington State, probably the worst team in collegiate football history. Have I officially hit rock bottom?
— T. Chan, Seattle

SG: Sure looks that way. We’re about three weeks away from FX creating a sitcom called “It’s Always Rainy in Seattle.” For T. Chan’s sanity (as well as his partners in shame), let’s create a list of silver linings for Seattle sports fans heading into 2009:

Kevin Durant
Kevin Durant is putting up dazzling stats for his future former team.
1. Kevin Durant quietly has heated up for the Seattle Sloppy Seconds in December, averaging 25.6 points, 7.1 rebounds and an astonishing 51.1 percent shooting from 3-point land. Less than four years until he ditches The Team That Shall Not Be Named and signs with a big market. You’ll enjoy this when it happens. You will.

2. No more Bill Bavasi, no more Clay Bennett, no more Huskies football coaches who don’t have a pulse, no more agonizing Seahawks losses that were probably Mike Holmgren’s fault (only he’s such a nice guy you can’t get mad at him).

3. One of Seattle’s greatest sports heroes (Gary Payton) emerged as half of TV’s greatest comedy duo since Norm and Cliff; every Tuesday night on NBA-TV, you get to watch GP and C-Webb do their thing. At least until David Stern has them liquidated.

4. Without Mark Teixeira, the Angels look vulnerable offensively — especially when you remember Vlad Guerrero now walks like Greg Oden doing an impersonation of Fred Sanford pretending he’s Lieutenant Dan. Could 84 wins take the AL West? Absolutely. And while we’re here, your favorite football team still plays in the same division as the Rams, Niners and Cards and gets a top-10 pick next April! Things are looking up, Seattle. I can feel it.

Q: I always wanted to read your Red Sox book but never got around to ordering it. Luckily, I was walking through Big Lots this past weekend and caught it out of the corner of my eye and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get it at $3! If it makes you feel better, it was under a sign that said “Best Sellers.” WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!
— Marc S., Tuscaloosa, Ala.

SG: The goal is to read the book! The goal … is to read … the book!

Q: You can go back in time and recast one sports movie with actors and actresses from that era. Which movie do you tackle, and what are your casting changes?
— Corey, Salt Lake City

SG: I would tweak “White Men Can’t Jump” with the following moves: Denzel Washington for Wesley Snipes and Sharon Stone for Rosie Perez. Here’s why: Snipes killed that movie (at least for me) because he was such an obviously lousy basketball player in real life. Every hoops scene physically pained me; really, nobody could stop this 5-foot-6 guy who dribbles over his ear, shoots line-drive jumpers and does the same crossover move every time? He’s so bad that every time it’s showing on Encore or TNT, I keep waiting for Mike Dunleavy to sign him during the closing credits. I just can’t handle it. As for Rosie Perez, remember when the Son of Sam claimed his neighbor’s dog talked him into murdering people? If I listened to Rosie’s voice long enough, I really feel like I could commit a homicide. And you know what else? I don’t think I’d go to hell for it. Maybe 20 years in purgatory, but ultimately, God would understand. I’m amazed this hasn’t been used as a defense in a murder trial yet: Overexposure to Rosie Perez’s voice. Anyway, you put a legitimate hoopster like Denzel in there (better actor, too) as well as Sharon Stone at her sexapex (I just created that word), and that’s one of the top 15 sports movies ever made. Alas.

Q: I recently read that the world’s oldest woman died. She said she never drank alcohol or tried tobacco. I also read that last year’s “world’s oldest person” also refrained from doing those things. How does that make you feel that we have no chance of being the world’s oldest people at some point?
— Eric, Philly

SG: I knew I didn’t have much of a chance when I was in a quarter-keg race back in college in which everyone had to make themselves throw up in a giant garbage can to keep going. After about 15 minutes, you just had to look inside the garbage can and you’d start throwing up. Wrote off the “world’s oldest person” quest right then and there.

Q: So there’s generally a ton of weed and tequila at our fantasy drafts. One rule we’ve put into effect is if you pick a player who’s already been drafted, you must do a shot of Don Julio. Counterintuitive, I know, but that caused me to draft Matt Leinart in rounds eight through 11 two years ago. What do you think of this idea for your Sports Czar campaign?
— Luke, San Francisco

SG: Love it. Love it to smithereens. Whenever an accidental repick happens, the offender gets berated with jokes and jeers, but it never makes up for the waste of 60 seconds as you waited for the pick, heard the pick, got ticked off, then spent another 60 seconds waiting for another pick. So there definitely should be a drinking penalty. Although I’d go with a more humiliating shot, something effeminate like peach schnapps or Kahlua. Maybe you could even buy a shot glass with Zac Efron’s picture on it to push it over the top. Do they make Zac Efron shot glasses? What about Clay Aiken? Somebody really needs to start a Web site specifically devoted to selling joke items and mean-spirited items for fantasy owners, with categories like …

Sister jokes
Mom jokes
Chalk outlines
References to O.J. Simpson and Rae Carruth
Loser championship belts
Drug references
Humiliating college photos
“Brokeback Mountain”

Q: I had a stunning realization when I awoke this morning: Isn’t Greg Oden the real Benjamin Button? I mean the injuries, the 45-year-old face, the creaky knees and geriatric hobble? This means for us Blazers fans things will only get better as he gets “younger.” Phew.
— Phil Taylor, Brooklyn, N.Y.

SG: I have nothing to add other than I hated this movie and it should have been called “Benjamin Snooze Button.” If you’re picking a holiday movie, go see “Milk” (Sean Penn is incredible), “The Wrestler” (covered here) or “The Reader” (quality flick and you get to see Kate Winslet naked, repeatedly). Those are my holiday picks. By the way, I hope the producers of “The Reader” use that as a promotional blurb:

“A quality flick and you get to see Kate Winslet naked, repeatedly.”
— Bill Simmons, ESPN.com

Q: Plaxico Burress, O.J. and Michael Vick all under one roof, house arrest for a year, 24/7 webcam. What would it take to stop you from watching this?
— Joe Snow, New York

SG: Duct tape, rope and armed guards.

Q: Went home with a VERY good-looking chick two weeks ago and not only did she have three cats and a dog, but I woke up at 4 a.m. to find that she’d peed in the bed. The only thing more disappointing to me in my life was the ’98 Vikes losing to the Falcons. SHE PEED IN THE FREAKING BED!!!
— Matt, Fort Myers, Fla.

SG: Did she mention having a brother named Andrew in Seattle? You know what’s amazing? This didn’t even come close to being this mailbag’s “Yup, these are my readers” question. Strong batch this month. It’s like one of those unbelievable Hall of Fame classes in which you can’t believe how loaded it was. Just wait.

Q: What would O.J. Simpson be like if he played in the NFL now? I mean, he has gotten into an absurd amount of legal trouble, and he played in an era when it wasn’t normal for players to be accused of felonies. If O.J. Simpson was born 40 years later and was in the NFL right now, what crimes do you think he would commit? I think he would try to become a super-villain, kind of like the Joker.
— Colin H, New Haven, Conn.

SG: Again, we are LOADED in the “Yup, these are my readers” department this month. Just wanted to make sure you believed me.

Q: I read your comment in the last mailbag about women in Atlanta being horny, successful and fun-loving, looking for love and questioning their self-esteem. Although you made that assessment after just two e-mails, after living there for eight years, I can say that you’re on the money. If you’re a heterosexual male going through a dry spell, forget about Vegas and make your way to the ATL. Their advertising tag line should be, “Come to Atlanta where the nookie is plentiful and free.”
— Michael, Columbus, Ohio

SG: One more before we tackle this subject …

Q: I’ve lived in both D.C. and Atlanta. In Atlanta, college sports and the SEC still run the show; people just don’t care about pro sports. On the other hand, do you like a skewed male-to-female ratio, hot Southern blondes in sundresses who can go whiskey for whiskey with you, possess a shocking amount of football and basketball knowledge, bring the thunder in the sack and have no problem (wait, DEMAND) eating massive amounts of fried food and/or pork products the following morning? Because if that’s not your thing you should spend more time in D.C. I’ve been here two months. It’s rainy, there are no college sports, but there are a lot of museums. So I’ve got that going for me. (Frantically looking for jobs in Atlanta.)
— Adam, Washington

SG: So there you go. If you’re a guy in your 20s or early 30s, move to Atlanta. Glad we settled that. And while we’re here, with the college application season wrapping up, allow me to make my annual case for everyone to apply to warm-weather schools. Don’t spend four years in cold weather. There’s no reason. Go south, go west, but go. And if they have a good sports team, even better.

I know people who attended the following schools: Pepperdine, the University of California at Santa Barbara, USC, UCLA, Rollins, North Carolina, Arizona, Arizona State and the University of Texas. Here’s how many of them regretted their choices: Zero. Meanwhile, the majority of my friends attended cold-weather schools … and only a handful of them would travel down that same road again. Again, why spend four years of your life in cold weather when you don’t have to do it? And why pick a college with crummy sports when you don’t have to do it? Beyond everything else, remember this above all: It doesn’t matter where you went to college as much as what you did when you got there. I have successful friends who went to every type of school; I even have successful friends who never graduated from college. So don’t stress out about it, expand your horizons, don’t be afraid to take a chance and please know that I’m telling you this only because I wish somebody had told me.

One last thing: Don’t go to Princeton. I’m still waiting to meet my first Princeton grad that I might like. I am like 0-for-79. Princeton grads carry themselves like bad guys in a sports movie. Remember the scene in “Pretty In Pink” when James Spader ordered his two henchmen to beat up Andrew McCarthy because he didn’t approve of McCarthy’s poor girlfriend? There’s no question that Spader’s character went on to Princeton, just like there’s no doubt Johnny Lawrence went to Duke. Neither hypothetical situation is up for debate. Just for the hell of it, here’s where I think other movie characters went to college:

Scott Howard: Probably USC. At a small college, I think the whole “My roommate turned into a werewolf last night” thing would have been a much bigger deal and word would have spread more quickly. He needed a big university. Also, he definitely broke up with Boof by Columbus Day weekend.

Jimmy Chitwood: Indiana. Mortal lock. I’d also go with Purdue for Flatch, Butler for Merle and maybe a walk-on to the Indiana team by Buddy.

Kelly Leak: No college for him after it comes out during the application process that he was really 18 years old in the “Let Them Play!” game at the Astrodome.

Louden Swain: University of Washington … and he drops out after four months. You never want to peak when you’re 18, and it’s not getting better than pinning Shute three weeks after bagging that hot 25-year-old who moved into your guest room. If he stays in school, I see him trying to dope his own blood with oxygen cells during his sophomore wrestling season and getting kicked out, anyway. I do not see Louden Swain graduating. He’s working in an auto body shop in Spokane right now, and he’s definitely bummed out that the Sonics left.

Daniel LaRusso: Probably a smaller school near L.A., like University of La Verne. He would have needed to be within driving distance of Mr. Miyagi, especially when their homoerotic tension was on the verge of boiling over in “Kid III” (as I covered in the 2002 “Karate Kid” trilogy column). Legally, lines couldn’t have been crossed until Daniel-San turned 18. And yes, lines were crossed.

Danny Noonan: Princeton. I never liked Danny Noonan.

Q: I renamed my fantasy football team after you. I did that because now, when I post all of my clever insults and below-the-belt jabs, it says “Posted by: Bill Simmons.” Sadly, my team finished in last place, so this was the highlight of my fantasy season.
— Tom, Greenville, S.C.

SG: Even more sadly, it was the highlight of mine.

Q: If I had sex with the two-faced lady from the Southwest Airlines commercial, would I be able to count that as a threesome?
— Pete, Beacon, N.Y.

SG: I would say no. But you’d still have the single greatest sex story of all time, even better than the time a friend of mine took home a Hall of Fame ’70s TV babe and made sweet love to her even though she was in her late 50s and the year was 2007. That’s my favorite sex story currently. But being with the two-faced Southwest Airlines lady? Legendary! Could not be topped unless you also included the three-breasted lady from “Total Recall,” giving you a creepy threesome with five breasts and three faces.

Q: I was out until about bar time Thursday, rolled into work at 8 a.m. Friday feeling like my face had fallen off somewhere between 11 p.m. and midnight, and I had failed to notice. I got the required coffee and greasy breakfast and sat down without a remote ability to perform actual work, so I hopped over to ESPN.com and quickly realized I had a mailbag waiting for me from the previous afternoon AND there would be a Part 2 later on. Honestly, it was like the heavens opened up. Not sure whether the greasy breakfast or the mailbag helped my hangover more, but I insist we incorporate Friday morning mailbags into your contract. You are the literary equivalent of an Egg McMuffin. Yes, that’s a compliment.
— Sarah B., Chicago

SG: I’m in am ESPN The Magazine commercial in which the announcer pimps it by saying “award-winning columnists Bill Simmons and Rick Reilly.” A few readers e-mailed me wondering what award I had won. The answer: None. I haven’t even made that “Best American Sportswriting” book that nobody buys. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I am Sarah B’s literary equivalent of an Egg McMuffin, and sometimes that’s all you need.

Q: Saw this Sonics flask (note: link now defunct) in NBA.com’s clearance section today and thought it might be the perfect gift for the former Sonics fan in someone’s life. It’s even on sale for 400 percent off. Enjoy.
— Adam H., Raleigh, N.C.

SG: Damn! After we posted this column, the link for the perfect stocking suffer mysteriously went dead. You would have guffawed at the very least. Even if you’re from Seattle. The good news: There are still 35 NBA flasks available, including two different types for morbidly depressed Wizards fans!

Mike Tyson
What if Iron Mike established a gentlemen’s club called “The Tyson Zone”?
Q: My roommate just texted me to tell me he just shook Mike Tyson’s hand at a strip club in Vegas. Who would be the coolest person to meet in a Vegas strip club?
— Ryan H., Pullman, Wash.

SG: You mean other than Mike Tyson? I’d go with the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard. First of all, just meeting the guy who provided me with one of my first great Ramblings jokes in college (“even the drummer from Def Leppard has a better arm than Steve Walsh”) would be a dream come true. But meeting the drummer from the band who sang the most-played song in the history of strip joints (“Pour Some Sugar On Me”) at an actual strip joint? And then to watch him get a one-armed lap dance and make “The bouncer just told him to keep his hand off the stripper” and “He seems a little drunk, maybe we should lend him a hand” jokes? How could you top that?

Q: How ’bout this hypothetical? It’s 2012, Matt Cassel is the quarterback for the Vikings and standing with a Super Bowl MVP trophy in one hand and a Super Bowl trophy in another. It’s his third Super Bowl MVP in four years, two with the Vikings and one with the Patriots in 2009. He states in his opening remarks, “I would like to dedicate this Super Bowl to Tom Brady for getting injured and allowing me to finally get my shot.” Flash to Foxboro, where Tom Brady has never returned to his 2007 form and reinjured his knee three times since, and Bill Belichick has retired from coaching due to having a heart attack from seeing Cassel win his second Super Bowl without the Patriots. Jump to 2022, as the Patriots have become the ’90s Cincinnati Bengals and you are hysterically crying while writing a piece titled “The Curse of Matt Cassel: IT IS REAL.”
— Andrew, Boston

SG: Just real enough that I made the same face that babies make when you stick a lemon in their mouths.

Q: I just finished reading Jim Bouton’s classic book “Ball Four.” Which baseball player today would be the best pick to write a similar type of book?
— Kobi, Carlsbad, Calif.

SG: Has to be a Yankee, right? I’d vote for Mike Mussina and hope his “sudden” retirement happened because he was finishing up a scathing tell-all about the last few years of his career with every possible vindictive story about A-Rod, Giambi, Clemens and everyone else that you’d ever want to hear. This would be the greatest sports book ever, hands down. You’re telling me you wouldn’t empty every dollar in your checking account to read “Burning Every Bridge in the Bronx” by Mike Mussina?

Q: I woke up this morning (Thanksgiving) and sat on my couch and smoked some weed. The “Tyra Banks Show” was coming on. I sat there stoned watching for five minutes before I realized I was killing more brain cells watching her show than I had smoking pot. It’s official: Listening to Tyra Banks’ voice is worse for you than doing drugs.
— Mike M., Lexington, Ky.

SG: And if she ever has Rosie Perez on, it would be like doing drugs while repeatedly getting clocked in the head with a two-by-four.

Q: So I had this idea for a movie. The bachelor version of a guy goes forward in time and finds his married self and kicks his butt for selling out his bachelor self and his bachelor values and going back on everything he promised he wouldn’t do. The bachelor version finds him in the future by following his minivan to a toy store. The climatic encounter comes when the bachelor self finds the married self standing in an hour-long Black Friday line holding a Starbucks. And yes, I thought of this plot while standing in an hour-long Black Friday line amongst mostly female Black Friday shoppers in Christmas sweaters.
— (Name withheld), Denver

SG: We have Nic Cage! He’s already signed on! We’ll call it “The Time Machine Mentor” or “Love Mulligan” and bang this thing out for next August. Stay tuned. And since you didn’t leave your name, I’m writing it myself.

(Speaking of Cage, remember when I joked in my “Wrestler” review that we should all be thankful Nic Cage didn’t ruin that movie? As it turned out, Cage was attached for a few weeks until the director won a power struggle to cast Mickey Rourke. I had no idea until a few readers alerted me after the column. How predictable is Hollywood?)

Q: Thank you for writing your story about Mike Dunleavy screwing up the Spurs-Clips game you went to. Someone had to tell the world of the atrocity that goes on in LaLa Land, and you’ve done it. It’s like bringing to light the genocide in Darfur that people refuse to talk about. You’re ESPN’s version of George Clooney.
— Terry A., Lodi, N.J.

SG: (Afraid to say anything.)

Q: What’s the deal with your upcoming book? I think you mentioned that it was about basketball, and I feel that you told your editors “No worries guys, I’m writing a book about basketball. It’s easy! It’ll be a midnight run!” And then you proceeded to stumble across the country, and it’s undecided whether you’ll meet your deadline. Will you get to L.A. and get your $100K?
— Steve, Pleasanton, Calif.

SG: The good news? The book comes out Oct. 27, 2009. The bad news? I’m still not done, and probably won’t be finished until the end of February, if I ever finish this thing, and at this point it’s unclear because I am slowly turning into the Unabomber, right down to a five-week-old, completely hideous beard I have going. We’re at the point of the process that I’m driving in the desert with the Duke while helicopters are hovering over me and I’m muttering, “I’ve come too far, I’ve come too f—— far.” Please include me in your holiday prayers.

Q: I dare you to think of anything better than taking a girl home from the bar on Halloween and watching her put on her costume as she’s leaving the next morning. Yeah, can’t be done. Hands down the best hookup moment possible.
— Adam V., Hibbing, Minn.

SG: I mean, it’s not the BEST hookup moment possible, right?

Q: If you’re sitting on 24 wins in “Streak for the Cash,” shouldn’t you hop on a flight to Vegas and bet about $250,000 on the opposite of whatever you pick for your 25th selection? All the games ESPN.com puts up as straight win/loss picks are close in point spreads, so I am sure you could get a money line in Vegas that would pay out straight up. That way, you ensure yourself of a minimum victory of $250,000, and can win a maximum of $750,000. I mean, you gotta protect yourself at this point right? I’m sitting in class at law school going insane thinking about this guy NOT doing this.
— Bryan, New York

SG: One catch: Where do you get the $250,000 to slap down at a sports book? This plan only works if you’re a multimillionaire or you’re running a Ponzi scheme. By the way, you’re not gonna believe this, but Bill Simmons is a huge “Streak For the Cash” fan. Every time I get to three in a row, I start dreaming about ESPN.com’s worst-case scenario of one of its employees (in this case, me) beating the game, followed by a mammoth Bob Ley investigation and 27 caustic Phil Mushnick columns.

Q: Here’s an idea for when you’re running the B.S. Network in a few years: What if you followed various NFL announcers around as they gave everyday people unsolicited and obvious advice? Imagine a soccer mom stopping for gas on the way to practice. The backseat is filled with screaming kids with said announcer in the front seat. As the van approaches a corner with two gas stations, we see one station is selling gas at $2.09 per gallon, and the other is selling at $2.19 per gallon. Here’s where the announcer jumps in and spends 60 seconds trying to convince the driver to go to the cheaper station. While the mom pumps the gas, the announcer then spends two minutes explaining to the kids that $2.09 is less than $2.19 and why it’s better to pay less for things.
— Matt A., San Francisco

SG: And that, my friends, wins the award for “Best 2009 domestic analogy to describe how bad NFL announcing is.” And that was a HUGE, HUGE point of the mailbag right there, we needed something funny. Did you see what Matt did right there? I want you to read that e-mail again and watch what Matt did … he sets up the premise, delivers it and then BAM! He gets right out! He gets RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION. Let’s look at it again — sets it up, sets it up, punch line and BAM! You want to talk about a guy who’s banging out great domestic sports analogies? You think this guy didn’t want to make a mailbag? That’s just a great, great job by Matt from San Francisco!!! And a great job by my editors putting Matt’s question in bold. Great job, guys! Great job all around. That’s just a great, great job.

Q: Hey, Bill, it’s been a while since I e-mailed you and I am sure that you have missed me. I just wanted to stop in and let you know how much you suck. You are not a journalist. You are not even a sports journalist. You should be fired. It really makes me mad that people who actually work for a living are losing their jobs or are unemployed and you still get to sit there pretending to matter. I hope that soon ESPN comes to its senses and gets rid of you, but it probably won’t. Anyway, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year’s.
— Brad, St. Louis

SG: Um … thank you?

Q: Beer + Weed + Bill Simmons = 1.9 GPA for fall quarter. Thank you, Bill, for helping me achieve my lowest GPA since the seventh grade.
— Tysen A., Bellingham, Wash.

SG: Um … you’re welcome?

Q: YouTube has a new feature on its home page that recommends videos based on your previous visits. Mine included “Racist McDonald’s Commercial,” “J.R. Does the Stone Cold Stunner” and “Wes Welker College Highlights.” I am wondering what they recommend for you?
— Dan, Springfield, Mass.

SG: Mine are “Red Sox Win 2007 ALCS Game 7!!” “Tiny Dancer” (Dave Grohl’s acoustic cover of it) and “News Blooper: News10 Halloween Prank Scares Morning Anchors.” I think that sums up my life decently. Since we’re here, I’d like to hand out the medals for “My Favorite New YouTube Clip Of 2008.”

Bronze: Happy Halloween from Michael McDonald. This killed me for some reason. There haven’t been nearly enough McDonald parodies done in my opinion. I also loved the Yacht Rock series from two years ago. Although nobody has ever properly paid tribute to the way Mikey Mac spat all over every microphone. My buddy Geoff and I had a running joke since the mid-’80s about every Doobie Brothers concert ending with the stagehands drawing straws to see who had to spend the next three hours squeegeeing all the saliva from McDonald’s mike. Never got old.

Silver: Corey Feldman’s Valentine Day’s Song. My podcast comrade JackO and I discussed this for 10 minutes on a July B.S. Report (fast-forward to the 31-minute mark) and probably could have gone for another 20. It’s borderline life-altering. I think Corey is singlehandedly trying to keep the concept of unintentional comedy alive. And it’s working.

Gold: “No Easy Way Out,” The Remake. God bless the three guys who decided that the world needed a shot-by-shot remake of the “No Easy Way Out” scene in “Rocky IV.” It’s just incredible. The guy who played Drago needed to be elected to some sort of Comedy Hall of Fame. Also, I’m enraged that I didn’t think of this idea first. A tour de force all around. Should I even tell you about their follow-up “Hearts on Fire” parody that’s nearly as good? Absolutely! It’s the holidays!

Al Davis
Are Raiders fans beginning to doubt the prescience of Al Davis?
Q: When I found out Al Davis’ mother lived until she was 103, I thought about impaling myself with a dull garden tool about 103 times. I’ll be 67 by the time the Raiders are respectable again. Can you please offer me some hope?
— Scott, Holiday, Fla.

SG: (Shaking my head sadly.)

Q: I don’t care what the SEC says: The J-Kidd transaction was Cuban’s greatest trading transgression of 2008.
— Marchy, Malibu, Calif.

SG: (Applauding.)

Q: So here I am, completely stressed out about taking my first semester of law school exams, about one cup of coffee away from having a caffeine-induced seizure, when my name pops up on the B.S. Report. Great job. You really made my day. Feel free to just start putting your random single friends in the podcast. I don’t even care if they’re entertaining, I’m just going to need to fill my fake relationship void with someone now that JackO’s off the market. And by the way, it was a nice touch for him to add the “not really” after saying I had 74 hours to contact him, like I was going to show up at his wedding and scream “I’M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, JACKO!”
— Claire in Atlanta

SG: Again, all single guys, Atlanta awaits! Just show up with a suitcase of clothes and a 500-pack of condoms from Costco and you’re in business. You don’t even need a place to live. Just go from one-night stand to one-night stand and shower there. It will be like a much more uplifting and racier version of “The Pursuit of Happyness.”

Q: The other day my college friends and I went out for dinner at a family restaurant. As always when you take a bunch of college kids out of their element into a public area, it can get slightly inappropriate. One of my friends kept telling us to keep it down and that there were children around. The second time, I slammed down my fork and told her, “This is a free-flowing conversation that sometimes touches on mature subjects.” Not only did this confuse her and shut her up, but one of my guy friends that didn’t realize I was a fan of yours told me that I was every man’s dream and my boyfriend was a lucky man. So thanks for getting me a compliment and somehow making it OK to talk about “mature” subjects in a public area.
— Sarah, Dayton, Ohio

SG: We’re nearing a record for “Most female readers in a single mailbag.” According to John Hollinger’s mailbag formula, I’m at the highest female-per-reader rate since T.J. Simers ran a mailbag with 34 percent female readers for The San Diego Union back in 1987. Speaking of Hollinger, I need to have him on the B.S. Report in 2009 so we can officially have our Jack-Locke “Lost” debate about statistics and sports. Put it this way: When you create a Power Rankings formula that spits out anything other than “The 27-3 Boston Celtics are the best team in basketball” two months into the season, it’s time to either keep tinkering with that formula until the Celtics are first or to just scrap the whole thing altogether. I am prepared to verbally fight to the death on this. Let’s hire Don King to start promoting it right now like a boxing match with a poster like this:

THE CYBER RUMBLE
HOLLINGER VS. SIMMONS
Feb. 10, 2009

Q: How hilarious would it be if President Bush pardoned O.J.???!!! I just think that would be a great ending to a terrible presidency! He’d go out with a bang.
— Gian Gonz, Austin, Texas

SG: This idea slayed me for some reason — not the premise as much as how everyone would react to the news. I think it would make Bill Maher self-combust. He’d just explode like a hot-air balloon.

Q: Only you can describe what is crucially needed right now: the introduction of the Steve Young Face. That look he gets when listening to Emmitt say that team fights are “special” or dealing with Keyshawn is phenomenal. Describe it and give us some other examples of people sporting the “Steve Young Face” other than Katie Couric during her Palin interview.
— Sean, Halifax

SG: See, I’d prefer to call it the Mike Myers “Nobody told me Kanye West was going to go off the cue cards” Face, which might have been my single favorite face ever. Regardless, is there any way we could stick a lemon in Steve Young’s face while the other guys on the set are talking?

Q: Shouldn’t Scarlett Johansson’s breasts get their own billing on the promotional posters and ads for “The Spirit?”
— Matt, Washington

SG: Absolutely. And I think they should do a press tour. I want to see Billy Bush interview her chest. I want to see Vanity Fair do a cover story on her chest. I want to see her chest appear on Letterman, Kimmel and Colbert. I’d like to have her chest on my podcast. And so on and so on. If she ever does a nude scene — and I say the following without a hint of exaggeration — it’s going to be the biggest moment in the history of the Internet. Even the Internet itself would have to shut down for 10 minutes, step outside, have a cigarette and think about what just happened. By the way, if you never read the story about JackO and me seeing “Heaven’s Prisoners” and me ruining the Teri Hatcher nude scene for him, click on my “Hardball” review and scroll down a few paragraphs. It’s my favorite nude scene story. You know, until Scarlett throws down. Speaking of JackO, just for the holidays, let’s give him the present of “Most times one of my friends was mentioned in the same column for different reasons,” just because he’s earned it, dammit.

Q: Is it just me or does JackO seem way too excited when he answers the phone for the B.S. Report? Like it’s the only time the phone has rung the entire day.
— Adam, Chicago

SG: Believe me, I have this haunting fear that JackO got fired two years ago but pretends to go to work every day — a little like Jules in “St. Elmo’s Fire” — and when we find out, it’s going to lead to him having a mental breakdown, then all of my college friends trying to break into his apartment while he tries to kill himself by opening every window on a cold day. I have mapped out the entire scenario in my brain, right down to how I would use a fire extinguisher to break down his door to save him like Billy Hixx saved Jules. By the way, where does the fact that I once wrote an entire column comparing Terry Glenn to Billy Hixx rank on the Unintentional Comedy Scale? I remember being really happy with this one at the time. Now it frightens me.

Q: I’d like to add Baxter to (last week’s podcast) argument about “Greatest Movie or TV Dog Ever.” Maybe he didn’t take a bullet for Ron Burgundy, but he saved him from an angry bear! He always had Ron’s back. I mean, he got punted off a bridge! Plus he spoke Spanish, wore pajamas, had the ability to eat entire wheels of cheese and poop in the fridge. He was wise, like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. How is Baxter not the best TV dog? I mean, “Air Bud” is a part of that conversation, but Baxter isn’t? Just an egregious oversight. (And yes, you can blame TBS and its insistence on playing “Anchorman” eight times a day for this e-mail.)
— Mike, Princeton, N.J.

SG: All great points. And if you’re attending Princeton University, Mike, you’re the first Princeton grad I’ve ever liked. If not, the streak continues.

Q: Is it bad that one of my first thoughts after this happened was “I should e-mail the Sports Guy”? Last night, I was with a lady friend and we decided to pop in a movie. She had never seen “Hoosiers,” so naturally we put that in. But 10 minutes into the movie, it was obvious that she wasn’t into the movie, and instead was getting a little frisky. So with the movie in the background, we entertained ourselves. The best part was there was a slight pause in the action and I turned to see the movie, and it was right when Ollie hits the free throws, and I thought, “This is awesome!”
— Jason Z., Chicago

SG: I think my brain just broke.

Q: Is the real reason that CC finally signed with the Yankees because somebody finally told him that pinstripes are slimming?
— Greg, Las Vegas

SG: Uh-oh, it looks like we’ve entered the part of the mailbag where I run a bunch of mean-spirited e-mails about the CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett signings. Hold on, we’re about to experience some column turbulence! Please keep your seat belts fastened!

Q: At one point today (Dec. 10), CNN.com had the following headlines atop one another: “Yanks close to deal with Sabathia” and “Oprah feels like fat cow at 200 pounds.” Coincidence? I think not.
— Chris C., Philly

SG: More!

Q: The Yanks are poised to drop $160M on CC Sabathia and at 300 pounds, means $533,333 per pound of Sabathia is the accepted market value. In their defense, after he hits four bills in 2011 that number will drop to a far more reasonable $400,000 per pound. What can we expect the per-pound cost for CC to be entering into his final year under contract? Remember, we’re talking about a man who looked like this in 1999 and looks like this entering 2009.
— Dan, South Boston

SG: More!!!!

Q: With his new FAT contract going to his head, I foresee a future 400-pound CC Sabathia struggling to get from the bullpen to the mound without an oxygen tank attached to his leg. At least Yankee fans can look forward to the day they rename the Snoopy blimps after him. “Aerial shots of today’s game will be provided from our guys flying high in the CC II!”
— Zap, Brighton, Mass.

SG: MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Someone has to come up with an A.J. Burnett Yankees Jersey with the number 82.5 on the back right? Maybe one of those T-shirt jerseys they sell outside of Fenway, but either way this has to happen.
— RJ, Boston

SG: Yes, please! SIGN ME UP! MORE!

Q: CC Sabathia’s all-time stats against the Red Sox: Nine games, 6.3 IP average, 63 hits, 15 walks, 44 strikeouts, 5.75 ERA, 2-7 W-L. I feel pretty good that the Yankees are gonna pay this guy $20 million a year to blow against the Sox.
— Jason, Vienna, Va.

SG: I can’t get enough!!!!!! MORE!

Q: All right, we both know of the existence of “The Hills” through our significant others. The empty husk that is Justin Bobby just gave a great example of “contract year.” Despite being an unbelievably stupid and selfish mutant, he somehow turns on the charm when the attention is finally ending, setting up the poor “dead behind the eyes” Audrina for inevitable disappointment. Why? So that the crazy young girls out in L.A. (or anywhere) who are turning 18 see his “caring side” and he immediately restocks his stable of possible women, maximizing his worth. Justin Bobby is A.J. Burnett, right?
— Andrew, Philly

SG: I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE!!!

Q: So you’re the GM of the Red Sox and you received the following offers:

1. Johan Santana plus $40M, or
2. CC Sabathia and Ian Kennedy

I mean, it’s a slam dunk that you choose No. 2 right?
— Anthony F., Ancaster, Ontario

SG: KEEP GOING! MORE!!!!! MORE!!!!!!!

Q: My take on A.J. Burnett: Let’s just put it this way, if the pitcher you just gave $82.5 million was only owned in 80 percent of ESPN fantasy leagues last year, probably a bad sign.
— Mike P., State College, Pa.

SG: I WANT THIS TO GO ON ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!! MORE!!!!!

Q: We got Tex. We’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
— Uncle Rick, New York

SG: That’s what my uncle e-mailed me right after the Yankees signed Teixeira. And after a brief emotional swoon, I’m firmly entrenched in “Why should I get bummed out that we lost out on a chance to spend $180 million on a guy who has never cracked the top six of an MVP vote?” mode. Besides, it’s nice to see the Yankees regain their mojo as the most hated team in sports and turn the world against them. Although I cannot condone this sour-grapes quote from Sox owner John Henry after the fact.

“From the moment we arrived in Boston in late 2001, we saw it as a monumental challenge,” Henry said. “We sought to reduce the financial gap, and succeeded to a degree. Now with a new stadium filled with revenue opportunities, they have leaped away from us again. So we have to be even more careful in deploying our resources.”

(Note to John: They already hate us enough. Just stop. You sound like a rich prep-school kid lamenting the fact his Lamborghini isn’t the most expensive car in the parking lot anymore. And while we’re here, Fenway is a cash cow — you can’t play the “new stadium with revenue opportunities card” when you’ve done everything but stick hanging box seats on the Citgo sign. Boston’s payroll has been somewhere between $120-145 million each year for the past five. Every middle-class fan you have has been priced out unless they want to sit in the bleachers or wooden grandstand seats down the outfield lines that face second base. Just stop. Please, stop. Thank you.)

Q: Merry Tex-Mas!!!
— Brian C., Santa Monica

SG: (Gritting my teeth.)

Q: Did my favorite homer columnist have a good Christmas watching the Lake Show get its revenge on Boston? Hahahahahahahaha. Doc forgot to start Pierce’s wheelchair in the second half. Good news: You still have the streak going, it’s just in your pants. Check your undies. KOBE RULES!
— Every Lakers Fan

SG: Sorry, I had to condense the 400 taunting Lakers e-mails from Thursday night into one super-annoying e-mail. Look, I think we learned one thing other than it’s hard to beat a good team at home when they’re getting every call — when Kobe is the best guy on the floor, the Lakers win. He was brilliant Thursday. That’s why the Lakers won. For whatever reason, he didn’t do it in the Finals and that’s why they lost. So basically, I learned nothing other than that my dad has a new nickname for Tony Allen: “The Heart Attack.” And just an FYI: You can’t get revenge for a 39-point loss in the deciding game of an NBA Finals by beating someone in a regular-season game at home. I am almost positive.

Q: I just finished reading your book and noticed an uncanny prediction: You wrote that if Manny had been traded to the Mets in 2005, you, your dad and Hench predicted that he “would hit between .380-.420, with 14-20 homers and 50-55 RBIs.” In 2008, after being traded to the Dodgers, Manny hit .396, with 17 homers and 53 RBIs. Why aren’t you bragging about this?
— Alan C., New Orleans

SG: Because there was no question it would happen. It’s like bragging that you predicted in October that there would be a huge snowstorm this winter. Speaking of Manny, the Yankees would be crazy NOT to sign him at this point. Imagine a 3-4-5 of A-Rod, Tex and Manny? You’re guaranteed 120-130 HRs, 400 RBIs and a .420 OBP from the heart of your order for the next three seasons, not to mention pitchers wasting 20-25 pitches to get through them every time through the lineup. No starter would ever make it to the seventh inning against them. I am terrified of them signing Manny. Actually, why am I saying this out loud?

Q: Is there a sports equivalent to the little Chinese guy who was lighting the firecrackers during the robbery scene in “Boogie Nights”? That is, a virtual unknown who plays an integral part in one of the best scenes of all time, and without whom the scene would not have been nearly as good?
— Ben, Phoenix

SG: You walked me right into thinking of David Tyree during the holidays. How dare you.

Editor’s note: We didn’t edit the spelling in these last two e-mails, for obvious reasons.

Q: This is officially my first drunk e-mail … ever. Of course, you’ve heard of the infamous “drunk dial” that happen all the time on college campuses and throughout the country. However, the drunk e-mail is less talked about. I love you. Not really. I love you in the most heterosexual way EVER. You are my hero. Me and my friends are putting down some beers and Red Bulls and vodkas talking some good sports and making Simmons-like analogies to life. I just told a friend who has two potential girls that he’s “hitting” on that it’s like when you have two players you want to draft in the next round of a fantasy draft (I used Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress). You don’t have to decide when it’s 12 picks away. Just wait, see how it plays out and make your decision. Most likely, one will be picked by the time you pick and it will be an easy decision. But consider them both for now. I love drinking. Peace.
— Andy J., Champaign, Ill.

SG: Hold on, we’re almost there …

Q: So …. I am twice as durnk as the first time i e-mailed. I have nothing more to say ecxept that I can’t wait for your next podcast/ column.
— Andy J, Champaign, Ill.

SG: Yup, these are my readers.

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. For every Simmons column, as well as podcasts, videos, favorite links and more, check out the revamped Sports Guy’s World.
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Inauguration Journal – Day 5

Posted on January 7, 2009 by Jorge Costales

Anthony Atwood’s Inauguration Journal – Day 5

TUESDAY 06 – JAN09: Reveille Reveille. 0630. My battle buddy, myself, and a couple others walk to the tube together. It is raining and cold. We reach our building, go through security and report. After awhile we are herded outside. The building is a massive granite structure from the era of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. A WPA bas-relief of workers is carved above the door. I notice indications the building was built before air conditioning. I estimate it is from 1938; seventy years old. We assemble in the parking lot (most folks take the tube, few AFIC personnel have parking passes). There are about 50 of us in civilian clothes. For the rest of the morning we tour downtown Washington. We are indeed only a few blocks from the Capitol. At the Capitol there are bleachers going up around the balcony where the oath will be administered to the president-elect by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

There are several regulars, also in civies, giving us the tour. This is not abstract courtesy, we are walked around to get an idea where the various aspects of the events of I-Day will occur. We stop on the hill where the saluting battery will be. A battery of cannons will fire a 21-gun salute on I-Day. We pass where helicopters will land, where first aid stations and power hookups and TV crews will be. We follow the route up Constitution Avenue and down Pennsylvania Avenue that the parade will take, culminating in the reviewing stand where the new president will review the troops as they pass. It is raining harder and colder, and we are all wet. In civilian clothes we are just an innocuous tour group taking a guided tour in the rain. Walking the grounds to get the lay of the land for I-Day, we are an unexceptional bunch of tourists distinguished only by short haircuts on the guys, and a polite attentiveness, curious for people strolling about in the freezing rain.

The view is dominated in every direction by the buildings of the American people: The rotunda of the Capitol, the White House, Smithsonian, and the tall weavers beam of the Washington Monument. Stately monuments observe us on every corner: Grant, Hancock the Magnificent, the Lone Sailor, Rochambeau, Lafayette, we are here!

We are silent on the tube home.

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