The family of the giant Philistine warrior beheaded by David, Goliath from Gath, filed suit today in the International Criminal Court at The Hague against the past King of Judah and Israel under a crime of aggression statue. The family’s press release read in part:

… Today under the statue of William the Silent, we can be silent no more. Given the recent developments in North American football involving Sir Jonathan Martin, formerly of the Miami-Dade Dolphins, we believe the time is right to address historical prejudices against those whose outward appearance and chosen profession suggest great strength, mental toughness and courage. At our upcoming hearing, thanks to the ground-breaking work of Malcolm Galwell, we will prove that Goliath was a helpless victim in one of the most brutal attacks documented in the Old Testament.

We understand that most have focused on Goliath’s size [6’9″] and his complete ensemble of warrior gear; a coat weighing 5,000 shekels [125 lbs], along with a matching bronze helmet and javelin. [FYI – The shield-bearer who went before him and managed to escape unharmed was not a party to the suit].

But how many ever looked past all that to the inner Goliath? The one who wept during the 1st course of his meals following his ‘Duel to the Death’ matches across the island of Crete. How a portion of his proceeds from the matches were occasionally forwarded to the orphans of his vanquished foes. How many were aware of the dozens of women he declined to rape given his exhaustion following those matches.  Everyone was so focused on the looting and pillaging, that no one noticed the broken heart under the shield, albeit one covered with the splattered body parts of his victims.

The press release concluded by noting that Goliath’s threatening remarks to the Israelite’s, delivered every morning for 40 consecutive days prior to the day of David’s attack in the Elah Valley, were taken out of context.

The family of Sir J. Martin are said to be closely following the Goliath suit in The Hague.

Sir J. Martin himself is also said to be closely following; Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, Last of Us and the ‘super’ anticipated release of PS4.

Emerging from a recent Terry Jones film festival which featured Erik the Viking, Martin could be heard repeating a quote often associated with Lincoln, ‘oh what a joy to be comprehended.’