[AP-BHO Newswire] Sensing that his illegal alien aunt [Zeituni Onyango]–who has been living in public housing in Boston for at least 5 years–might be the only obstacle between him and the presidency, today Obama offered to ‘personally deport the scoundrel.’ The usually placid Obama had not been this perturbed since he disavowed the Rev Wright, about 6 weeks after he had indicated that he ‘could no more disavow the Rev Wright than he could disavow his own grandmother.’

Speaking of which, it was also revealed that the visit to his grandmother last week came perilously close to having been canceled when the campaign became aware that she had yet to pay her property taxes. However, the campaign granted the grandmother a ‘temporary waiver’ when it was discovered that the taxes were not technically late, but rather had just missed the first payment option with no interest surcharge. The terminally ill grandmother expressed appreciation for the empathy shown her by the campaign and promised that ‘it will never happen again, even if I have to sell the house or pull a Kevorkian.’ The campaign was quick to respond that Obama was only 12 years old when Kevorkian ended his first life and that his grandmother had completed a notarized DNR which the campaign filed with the FEC.

The news went from bad to worse for his ‘supposed aunt,’ Ms Zeituni Onyango. Late this afternoon an Obama legal team was dispatched to Kenya to challenge the supposed blood lineage between the two. In addition, the Obama campaign hired noted OJ Simpson attorney, Barry Scheck, to challenge any DNA connection and strongly implied that they had entire villages ready to testify as to ‘a shocking lack of probity during her fertile years, just like many of her supposed kin.’

Scheck went on the record to note, ‘the Kenyan records are just a mess, it may be 2 election cycles before we have the facts straight.’ In the meantime, all potential Obama relatives were ordered quarantined in the lovely tiny island of Cape Verde. When asked how long they would have to remain there, Scheck responded, ‘Why do you assume they would want to leave. Please don’t let your colonial mentality blind your objectivity in this issue.’ The New York Times reporter immediately apologized and performed 20 push-ups as penance. Unfortunately, it proved to be too little too late. When editors in New York learned of his insubordination, he was fired immediately and forced to pay his own way back into the US.